This same perceptual fusion extended to our social understanding. We looked to our parents, teachers, and friends for cues about how to act and what to believe. If asked about our favorite activities, we would say, “I love playing soccer because my friends play it” or “I want to be a doctor because my mom said it’s a good job.” These answers reflected our instinct to mirror the perceptions and values of those around us.

What happens to our belief system when we are adults?

I often hear people talking about feeling lost or without purpose, even when they seem successful on the outside. I understand this feeling because I’ve sometimes experienced the same emptiness, longing for clarity and direction.

Then, I got it. My lack of clarity or purpose was rooted in unconsciously adopting the beliefs and values of my surroundings, whether from work, culture, or family.

Just like children, I was echoing rather than expressing my inner selves.

Carl Jung wisely noted, “The world will ask who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.”

When we remain attached to the need for constant social approval, the world will eagerly shape our identities, often with the best intentions. Ironically, the better the intention, the more disempowering it can be for us. We might wear others’ glasses for a while, feeling grateful that it appears to fit. Yet, eventually, we may sense that something is off.

Lack of clarity extends beyond simply finding it hard to define our likes and beliefs. It involves second-guessing ourselves because we no longer align with what we’ve accepted thus far. We’re left questioning: where does the truth lie? Is it in what I’ve told myself thus far, or should I pause and spend time exploring again?

Where might it have all started?

The metaphor of wearing lenses resonates with me. With the best intentions of protecting us, our caregivers passed down their lenses to help us make sense of reality. They taught us how to blend in, navigate our social groups, define what’s normal, and conform to societal expectations.

As children, we were incredibly malleable, accepting these lenses as our own eyes.

I’m no exception. Unintentionally, I was about to pass on my perspective of reality to my daughter, aiming to shield her from feeling like an outsider among her peers and teachers. I wanted to ease her path.

Upon reflection, I realized my actions were more about me than her. It was my conditioning to talk. I questioned my role as a parent, wondering whether I was taking the shortcut by accepting as my main responsibility to shape her into a predictable, well-behaved little human.

This time, I had to put down my lenses to see more clearly; my belief system shifted in that realization: as a parent, my priority is to help her see and nurture her uniqueness rather than take it away. I will not delay her exploration by steering her character in any direction. Once this realization sank in, I felt a profound relief: “My kid is fine and she will always be, as long as I let her trust herself and I have trust in her, even when part of her little world seems to go in a different direction.”

Ultimately, isn’t this what we all aim for in life? To be emotionally self-aware, and to love ourselves unconditionally. To feel whole and content within our being.

Does it sound selfish? Then consider this: how do you pour water from an empty bottle? That’s what happens when fitting in becomes your primary focus, consuming all your attention.

When we carry on by pretending to align with our surroundings because we did not learn to trust ourselves first, we unrealistically wish to pour water from empty bottles.

If you ask me how to reconnect with yourself, I would say:

• Don’t let the world tell you who you are.
• Start noticing whose lenses you’re wearing and how they influence your life.

Reparent yourself

Reparenting yourself means creating a new intimate connection within. As children grow and learn their perceptions can be biased — realizing that people only appear tiny from a distance, our mindset can continue to grow in adulthood. We can shift our way of understanding the world.

The difference with children is that their mental development occurs whether they want it or not. In adulthood, your reality-making system, or mindset, stops growing without your intentional effort.

Sometimes, it might affect a specific area of your life, like how you view work or define success. Other times, it can be more profound, impacting your self-perception and shaking your self-image, leaving you uncertain about who you are.

In both cases, it is beneficial to accept that also in adulthood mental development is a process, involving various phases. It is not about one or a few transforming experiences. It takes time.

Adult mental development does not tell how clever you are. It’s the frame of mind you use to understand the world.

Reparenting yourself involves reevaluating the messages that conditioned you, recognizing they no longer hold power over you. These messages, not just from parents but from society, ingrained the idea of conformity for acceptance. Remind yourself: ‘There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not bound to conform to feel accepted. I can embrace my unique path, deviations, and pauses; my definition of success makes me whole. I don’t need fixing. I can endure the discomfort of diverging from societal norms. I can be loud, and silly.’” It’s about affirming your worth, independent of any standard.

Accept is a process

A process that requires acknowledging our ability to evolve. Drawing from ‘Immunity to Change’ by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey, adults can go through three levels of mental complexity.

If we’re in the Socialized Mind stage, we’re heavily influenced by what others expect of us, just trying to fit in and play it safe. Then, as we transition into the Self-Authoring Mind stage, we start to find our voice. It’s not about pleasing everyone anymore; it’s about staying true to ourselves. But it doesn’t stop there. As we reach the Self-Transforming Mind stage, we’re open to different ideas and perspectives. We’re constantly evolving and learning from our mistakes. We can see the flaws in our perceptions and grow from them.

Accept you have to make a choice

Just like children are fused to their immediate senses, we sometimes accept our thoughts and perceptions without questioning them, as if they were the only possible reality. But they are not.

The crucial question isn’t whether we’re biased, but rather, where that bias lies.

It’s natural to be hesitant, feeling attached to your current narrative. Acknowledge that feeling, and then make your choice anyway. Your choices define you, even when you don’t make them. Be intentional.

Step back. Put down your lenses and look at them. When did you feel angry, happy, successful…What made you feel that way?

Take a moment to observe the patterns in your language. If you often find yourself mentioning others. If comparisons to others shape your feelings.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Just notice and go back to reparent yourself.